Tim Tucker

I have had numerous conversations recently with leaders who are recognising the need to become more vulnerable in their leadership. However, they are concerned that exposing weakness may undermine their leadership authority. For too long, leaders have been told (either implicitly or explicitly) that revealing weaknesses leaves us open to being exploited and manipulated. I believe this is a leadership myth that desperately needs to be busted.

The mantra goes something like: ‘If you don’t have the confidence to follow through on a decision, then fake it till you make it.’ In other words, deceive your followers into thinking that you don’t have doubts, that you are somehow impenetrable in your conclusions, and, therefore, you are devoid of weaknesses. If you don’t feel that way… fake it. Don’t reveal what you feel on the inside. And if you harden yourself enough in this way, then perhaps you just might make it… you’ll deceive people long enough for them to believe you are the persona that you are portraying.

Additionally, if you are feeling low, down or overwhelmed, then the answer is fake it till you make it. Leaders don’t have the luxury to show their feelings – particularly to their so-called sub-ordinates. Suck it up! If you reveal emotional weakness then your days will be numbered as a leader because there’s always someone with the mental toughness ready to step into your shoes.

This is the myth of super-hero leadership that I have sought to debunk in Grab a Towel. Fake it till you make it is not a hallmark of Christ-centred servant leaders because I don’t think those are words that would have come from the lips of Jesus Christ.

Jesus had no problem with expressing vulnerability because he didn’t lead from an impenetrable fortress of autocracy. Rather, he led out of relationships forged through loving friendship, devoted companionship, and genuine trust. As such, Jesus was not afraid to publicly express grief (Jn. 11:35), compassion (Mt. 9:36), tiredness (Jn. 4:6), frustration (Mk. 9:19)  and feeling overwhelmed with sorrow (Mt. 26:38). He allowed those closest to him to see him at his most vulnerable giving them an example that they should follow him (Jn. 13:15).

Likewise, David, the great king of Israel, had no issue expressing his vulnerabilities and frustrations. Read any of the psalms he penned which are painfully transparent as he grappled with issues of failure, fear and faith.

Both King David, and Jesus, the Son of David, show us that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness that will lead to rejection. Rather, being vulnerable takes courage and strength. Perhaps this is best expressed in the words that they both utilised in their time of greatest trial… ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me’ (penned originally by David in Psalm 22:1 and quoted by Jesus on the cross – see Matthew 27:46). David and Jesus did not fake it till they made it . They publicly confessed their anguish. And their example has stood the test of time. In particular, Jesus’ continues to draw the trust of hundreds of millions of followers who relate to his humanity, while worshiping his divinity.  

Ultimately, being fake breaks trust. It seems almost too obvious to need to write it out. If you buy a product with a certain label on it only to find out that it’s a counterfeit, then you would not trust that supplier again. Surely we should apply that same logic to our leaders. If you found out your leader was faking it in their attempt to make it, would you continue to trust them, respect them, and follow them?

We live in a world where fake is being capitalised on – to the detriment of our society. Fake news has always been around in various guises, but the internet has turned it into a multi-million-dollar industry. Due to the propensity to propagating lies, we now need to ‘fact check’ everything we read to ensure it is trustworthy. And all of us, through a toxic combination of social media and Photoshop, are able to portray a fake image of ourselves to the world. We then need to deal with the incongruity of knowing that what we display on the outside is not who we really are (so much so that we might want to call one of the platforms FakeBook). This leads to feelings of insecurity and growing fears that we will ultimately be rejected when people actually discover the truth about us. So the vicious cycle of faking it continues until we eventually are too broken to function effectively (expressed in burnout, depression, loneliness etc).

Hopefully the myth has been busted. Christ-centred servant leaders don’t need to fake it till they make it. Rather, we need to be committed to the following:

1. Authenticity. We don’t need to try to be someone else and we mustn’t always pretend that everything is OK. Rick Warren has written: You are not authentic until you can publicly admit how inauthentic you are most of the time. Authenticity begins when you start admitting that you are inauthentic.

Yes, we can learn from others and ultimately we learn from the example of Christ. We must allow Jesus to transform us from the inside out through the power of the Holy Spirit. This happens over time as we cultivate our relationship with him. But this process cannot be short-circuited or manipulated. We need to acknowledge that we are a work in process. Simply saying ‘I don’t have all the answers’, can free us and enable us to learn from others, lean on others and commit to being someone who leads out of relationships rather than position or power.

2. Vulnerability. Let me take some pressure off you… you will make mistakes. You will let people down, fail, want to give up, feel down – etc. etc. (I’ve got all those t-shirts). You get the picture! The reality is that everyone you lead already knows your failings – normally better than you know them yourself. And they know that they also have their own weaknesses and struggles. By admitting your own struggles, you give other people permission to also be vulnerable about their difficulties. This is a culture we need to imbibe in our families, organisations and churches. It provides an environment for people to be free to be authentic. This is why James teaches us to: confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Confession and prayer are two timeless disciplines that all servant leaders need to model… and they are antidote to being tempted to fake it.
3. Integrity. The Blackaby’s state it well: Integrity means being consistent in one’s behaviour under every circumstance, including those unguarded moments. If leaders are normally peaceable and well mannered, but they throw violent temper tantrums when things go wrong, their lives lack integrity. If leaders are honest and moral in public, but discard those standards in private, their lives lack integrity. When leaders have integrity, their followers always know what to expect. Simply put, those who fake it lack integrity and are untrustworthy. Integrity demands that we seek to be consistent, honest and open. This is the pathway to forging a Christ-like character (see chapter 1 of Grab a Towel).

The reality is, we don’t serve anyone by being fake. Servant leaders grab a towel and serve others through being authentic, vulnerable and maintaining their integrity. This allows God to turn weaknesses into strengths. It’s a brave path that is not trodden by many leaders in the 21st century. Let’s not fake it till we break it, but follow the mantra of Paul who said, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (1 Cor. 12:10).

My children used to enjoy watching the TV show MythBusters. In the show, the presenters seek to test whether a commonly held belief is actually based in fact or not (for example, is it really impossible to find a needle in a haystack, or can dripping water on your forehead really drive you insane?). They then go through various crazy experiments to see whether the myth is based in truth – or if it is in fact busted!

This is the first in a series of posts where I want to do some leadership myth-busting. I believe there are certain myths about leadership that have become accepted as things that simply go with the turf of being a leader in the 21st century. In particular, when these myths are examined against Scripture and the example of Jesus (our ultimate standard in Grab a Towel), then they become busted as fabrications that can prevent leaders from fulfilling their God-given potential as leaders.

So let’s dive into myth number 1… the myth that leadership is lonely.

I have heard this phrase countless times when people bemoan the challenges of leadership.I have heard it from church leaders and business leaders alike. I’ve also discussed this with emerging leaders who have seen the seemingly lonely path that leaders have trod before them and wonder if there isn’t a better way. Like Thanos, in Marvel’s End Game, the loneliness of leadership seems to say to emerging leaders ‘I am inevitable’.

It is true that many leaders are lonely. But is it really inevitable…and, more importantly, is it biblical?

In the Bible God consistently provided companionship and support for those he called into leadership. Leaders were not called in isolation. Consider Moses and Aaron, David and Jonathan, Mary and Elizabeth, Paul and Barnabas as just some examples. Companionship and community were an integral part of the lives of biblical leaders. Jesus recognised this and sent his disciples out in pairs (Mt. 10; Lk 10; Mk6). When Elijah faced isolation, depression and loneliness following his gargantuan struggle Ahab and Jezebel, God met with him in the still small voice and reminded him that there were still 7000 other faithful followers of God in Israel! Then God called him to seek out relationship with others – most notably Elisha who would become his successor (see 1 Kings 19). And when a great leader like Paul found himself isolated and alone, he reached out to others because he knew the dangers of loneliness (e.g. 2 Tim. 4:9-13).

What are those dangers:

I remember being in Kenya a number of years ago. My host took me to the Nairobi Game Reserve where we got to see some of the beautiful wildlife. As we came up one rise in the car – we saw a lone buffalo in the tall grass just up ahead. ‘Very dangerous’, my friend and host warned… ‘buffalo’s can be dangerous – but be particularly careful of a lone buffalo’. We cautiously drove by… not wanting to disturb the dangerous loner.

The lone buffalo may look a bit like a superhero that has got it all together – standing away from the herd and making its own decisions regardless of the consequences… but observers are right to be wary of their unpredictability. I don’t believe God wants his leaders to be lonely because lonely leaders can be dangerous. They are a danger to themselves because of the vulnerability that comes with carrying a weight of leadership that needs to be shared with others. And they are dangerous to others as loneliness can often be accompanied by a lack of accountability – resulting in poor decision making with disastrous consequences.

In Grab a Towel, I write the following:

Yes – there are times when leaders need to have the resolve to stand alone in their convictions when all around them think they are crazy! However, this should not be the norm when we consider the example of Jesus. For Christ-centred servant leaders, relationships are critical. It was from the foundation of loving relationships amidst diverse cultural backgrounds, that the early church had “everything in common” and was able to share its possessions: “they gave to anyone as he had need” (Acts 2:42-45). The loneliness of leadership is therefore a contradiction in terms for Christ-centred servant leaders who are grabbing a towel to express compassionate love to others.

Jesus had to stand alone… He was the only one that could walk the path that led to his crucifixion. But even in the deepest of trials to face any human being, he still reached out to others.. Facing the agony ahead of him, he went to the Garden of Gethsemane to seek His Father’s will. But he didn’t go alone. He took his closest companions (Mark 14:32). And even when they failed him and ultimately deserted him, we see Jesus consistently reaching out to people both on the road to Golgotha and on the cross itself (see Luke 23:26-43 and John 19:25-26). His example demonstrates that when we are called to stand alone, it is not an excuse to capitulate our need for relational connection to others.

So the myth is busted – Christ centred servant leadership should not be lonely. However, many of us have experienced loneliness, or have been hurt and become extremely guarded in our relationship with others. That pain is real. And the 21st century challenge of loneliness is so pervasive that the UK government have now appointed a minister of loneliness. Certainly, many of us in leadership should seek professional help and support in order to navigate the loneliness we may be feeling.

But here are just a few pointers to help us navigate this sensitive topic and begin to find a roadmap – particularly for those who are starting out on their leadership journey:

• Don’t accept the loneliness of leadership as an inevitability. Rather see leadership as an opportunity to forge diverse relationships that can add great richness to your life.

• Reach out to people. Be vulnerable. Don’t try and be invincible. Be honest about your weaknesses and shortcomings.

• Offer hospitality. This is the biblical antidote to loneliness.

• Watch how busy you are getting. Take up a hobby which can provide fuel for relationship building and for making conversation.

• Always be accountable… don’t make decisions in isolation. Include people into your decision making process. Share the load.

• Mentor/disicple others. Pass on your knowledge, experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly.

• Commit to a church and don’t give up meeting with others – even when it gets tough…

  And let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.’ (Hebrews 10:24-25)